You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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