the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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