So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I seem to have left my pride at pride
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
