So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
