Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
