Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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