one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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