This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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