remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
