Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
