You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
