I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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