Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
