I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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