the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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