so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
