Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
