I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
