Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
