I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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