I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
