No stitches, just platelets and will power
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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