dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
