Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
