My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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