I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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