the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
