whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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