3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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