I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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