do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
