Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
