My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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