My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
