I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
