my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
