Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
