I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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