dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
