Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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