just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
