Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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