I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
