Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
