Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
