I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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