First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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