The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
