Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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