I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
