how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I came so hard my ears popped.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
