i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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