Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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