glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
